Hear ye, hear ye (is it hear or here?). Attention all wives/significant others of GrabbyHand Husbands: this post is for you! In talking with some friends we have discovered a universal problem when it comes to our marital relations - the Wordless Wandering Appendage. It happens late at night. We're tired, ready to hit the sack and grab that illusive thing called sleep. We just lay our head down and start to drift off when (dun dun dun) we feel that creeping hand start to slide over to our side of the bed (unless you're one of those weird couples who actually snuggle when they go to bed, to which I ask "how do you sleep like that?"). It starts off with a little arm rub, then it takes a slow journey down to the hip area (or upwards if your guy is a boob man). Yes, it's the universal man signal for "I want to have sex." Now, if you're like most women I've talked with you'll have some sort of defensive position - maybe curled up in the fetal position, or what my friend calls "chicken arms," when she lays on her stomach with her elbows out like chicken wings to protect the boob area. So we might continue this silent battle of wills with body language - we take our defensive positions, he goes on the offensive and tries touching a new area, we roll over and feign sleep, he decides to throw for a touchdown and heads straight for the endzone (yes, I'm talking about p-town, aka Vaggyville), we decide to either call foul or give him the points. Does anybody else hate this game?! I think most women would agree that what we would prefer is just a straight out "Do you want to have sex?" Let's just put it out there so we can figure it out and I can get some freaking sleep. I know, most men might think that's not very romantic and don't women want romance? Well, I say no. We've been together too damn long. I really just want some sleep. Now, there are those occasions that you go out together and have a good time, feeling sexy, so you decide to go home and get ur freak on - a joint decision. I'm not talking about those nights so don't go feeling sorry for my husband for having such a cold fish wife (small town gossipmongers, I'm referring to you). I'm talking about the other times, and unless you're a nympho you know what I'm talking about. Here's what I think we'd prefer to hear:
Husband: Hey, I'd really like to have sex later tonight. Is there anything I can do to help put you in the mood or is tonight just not going to work?
That's it. Fairly simple. And something else fellas - timing is important. Don't be asking me that when you can tell I'm already pissed off about something, I don't feel good, I had a really busy day and you KNOW I'm exhausted, or if I've got kids clinging to me and I'm trying to cook dinner while you're sitting your lazy ass on the couch watching the news. You know what the answer is going to be if you ask during those times. Also, don't ask at midnight. Give us a little time to get our heads in the game (we don't have that little one that's always ready to go).
I'm not sure that this will ever happen. Maybe that's why June and Ward Cleaver slept in seperate beds. June finally got fed up with GrabbyHands. I bet she slept awesome.
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4 comments:
I SO agree with you. Can I borrow your Husband line to share with my hubby? :-)
I am convinced a woman invented the "king sized bed" to be able to get a good night's sleep. She just called it "king" sized to get the man to agree to buy it. "C'mon honey, it's meant for a king - and that's you!" It's basically big twin beds pushed together, minus the annoying crack.
Ug, and when GrabbyHands heads my way and I have dared say, "Darn it! I'm tired! I am not in the mood!" he then pouts and says, "Oh, so I can't even snuggle or touch you now." Whatever. Snuggling and holding involves hands that are STILL - not meandering "innocently." No such thing as innocently meandering hands.
Yes!!!
100% in agreement. I feel like a broken record when I have to repeat this phrase...."if you haven't made any mention of the fact that you are even thinking about having sex before I brush my teeth the deal is off. (side note here....I would still brush my teeth before sex and probably after but brushing my teeth equals time for bed, the last thing I do) I need to know before I get in bed. Once I get in bed I am there for one thing and I really don't even need you here for that. In fact most of the time I prefer you aren't here with your snorting farting self. That usually does the trick for a day or 2!!!
(sometimes I wonder how I am still even married)
But all I ask for ---as noted in blog---is a little advanced warning to pump myself up, get drunk, or figure out a suitable excuse! Is that so hard!
LOL!!!! How did you get in my head??? That was so damn funny and true!!!
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