Some rules for owl eyes

Okay men, listen up. Quit staring! Learn how to glance surrepticiously! You know, casually look around the room like you're looking for something or someone, not letting your gaze rest on the blonde with big knockers for more than a second. Trust me, it can be done. That's how us women check out the hot guys. See, there's a few problems with staring: 1) if you're a single guy checking out a girl it's too obvious, and unless you're really good looking (and let's be honest here), it starts to get creepy and unnerving. Women can always tell when a man is staring at her, even if her back is turned (it's an itchy feeling we get between the shoulder blades). So if she's not turning around to make some eye contact that's your cue that she's purposely ignoring you and you need to STOP staring (unless you want her to think you're a serial killer). Now, married women are similar but we're a little less picky. If I get checked out (a 4 second stare max before it heads into the creepy zone) or whistled at (rarely happens, but you know) I get a little ego boost for the day, and I don't really care if the guy is good looking, decent, whatever. However, if I'm with my kids DO NOT stare, whistle, or cat call! That is just awkward and extremely icky. Just let me be a mom and take care of my kids without thinking you're looking at my ass every time I lean over to pick up my toddler (unless you're Mark Wahlberg, then feel free to ogle me whenever, wherever).

2) (the biggie) if you're a married man out with your spouse it is insulting (to your wife) to stare at another woman. I know it's hard, you're eating dinner, trying to listen to your wife talk about stuff you don't care about, and suddenly Big Boobs Barbie comes walking in your line of view. You don't even realize you're doing it but trust me, your wife can tell when you're eyes start following BBB across the room. It might not feel that long, maybe less than 5 seconds, but trust me, to your wife and to BBB it feels like slow motion. Because that little bimbo can tell that you're staring - and that's why it's hurtful to your wife. We know that little tramp over there is feeling sorry for us, and that just pisses us off. We married you, we live with you and put up with all your crap, we birthed your kids, at least let us have some dignity and pretend that you're paying attention to us and not Hootie McHooterson! See, this is where the "glancing surrepticiously" comes into play. You get to still check out Hooters (because I know it's impossible for you NOT to look) and I get to keep my pride and not let that little bimbo think that I can't even hold my own husband's attention. Plus later, if we decide to get freaky, I'm not worried that you're actually thinking about Hootie and her perfect breasts (even though you probably are, I just don't need to know about it, just like you don't need to know about Marky Mark, hehe).

I know, I'm dumb

One of my front teeth is more yellow and duller than the rest of my teeth. I'm sure I'm the only one who notices this (or I was until I announced it to everyone reading this blog who will be looking for it next time they see me). It' s such a little thing but it bugs me every time I brush my teeth or see a picture of myself. I try to spend a little extra time brushing that area but it doesn't do anything. I've also tried white strips and the teeth tray things but that doesn't even it out. Do you think there is some sort of laser treatment for just one tooth? I wonder how much that would cost. It's so dumb, I know it. I blame society for my dumb insecurities. If I didn't have to constantly look at pictures of Jessica Alba and her perfect teeth maybe I wouldn't feel so bad about mine. It's Maxim's fault.

blowing off some steam

There are a lot of days when I hate my husband's job. Today is one of them. I hate the hours, the call schedule, the lack of dependability, the stress (both his and mine), the stupid idiots that decide they need to visit the ER in the middle of the night because their leg hurts (even though it's been hurting for the last week and they could have made an appt and come into the clinic but because they're title 19 and don't have to pay for shit they don't care when they come in). I don't like feeling like a single parent. I can't be with my kids 24/7 and not start to go a little crazy (or a lot crazy). So would everyone please just stop getting sick and hurting yourselves?! That would be a huge help, thanks.

Another episode of "Em's various rants," brought to you by Tampax.

Apparently I can no longer do jumping jacks without peeing my pants. I discovered this new development in aerobics class today. No matter how hard I squeezed those kegels the pee still dripped out. I found the only thing that helped was not breathing, which is actually quite difficult when executing a series of jumping jacks. I'm scared to think of what it will be like in another 10 years. My kids will all be getting out of diapers and I'll be getting into them. I'm doomed to forever be buying diapers at the grocery store. I'm just hoping at that point it won't be of the "Oops I crapped my pants" variety.

I wish I were one of those people who hated chocolate and never ordered dessert. You know the type (I've referred to them often as "skinny bitches"). And yeah, I'm by no means really heavy but I have to bust my ASS to be a size 8/10 and I constantly crave sweets. It would be so easy to just be home, watching TV, tra la la, not thinking about food or wanting anything, do dee do. Instead I'm here thinking "I want chocolate, I want chocolate, I want chocolate, time to get the kids to bed, mmm bake some cookies, check my email, wonder if I have any cake mix in the pantry, this show is dumb, dammit I can't stand it!" Which is when I break down and get out the ol' reliable chocolate chips and peanut butter.


Okay, people doing meth - do they not realize that everyone can tell because they have meth mouth? It's so obvious! Dude, you're 30 and half your teeth are gone. Now, unless you are some native american living in the Amazon jungle and have no access to dental care I'm going to assume that it's not caused by natural means. And most of the time even those guys have better teeth than the idiots doing meth.

And to conclude this evening's episode of "Em's various rants" can I just say that it's great when people give you compliments on your appearance. However, my neurotic mind goes "wait a minute, what the heck did you think I looked like before? A hideous whale with bad hair?" I had one gal tell me at a party the other day (I don't see this person often, maybe a couple times a year) "You look good, like seriously, the best I've ever seen you. I've never seen you look this good. You're face is really thin." So taking that at face value it's a very nice compliment (and yes, I did thank her, I do have some manners). But the more I thought about it the more I thought she was a little too effusive about me never looking this good before. I wanted to say, "Look, I get it. I was a mess, probably should have just thrown a sack over my head just to spare everyone the agony of having to look at my awfulness. Aren't we all so lucky I lost a few pounds so you can all breathe a sigh of relief."

m.y.o.b

A friend told me something the other day about some bitch saying something about my parenting skills. It wasn't a positive comment but it wasn't horrible either. In any case I got a little pissed off and the rest of the day had worked up a good rant to post but never got around to it. And it would have been a good one too - I'm usually at my best when I'm ticked off and not thinking about what I say so much (strange, but true). So, here I am, a couple of days later and I've mellowed out about the whole thing. Really, the comment wasn't that bad and it's so not that big of a deal because I could give two flying frigs about what this particular woman has to say about my parenting skills. I don't beat my kids or swear at them and I don't take them to WalMart at 10 o'clock at night. That's all any of you need to know.