I'm outta here

Well I'm in the process of packing for my vacation. I'll be sunning myself in Mexico (in my daring bikini or possibly topless, j/k - I'm not that brave or cruel). Sorry to all you losers still stuck back here in the frozen tundra. You can be assured I will not be thinking of any of you (remember, me = selfish bitch). I tell you what though, packing for this shindig has been a massive headache. Remember the good old days when you could just leave? Now I've got an entire folder dedicated to all the crap that has to be done, which I started preparing for several months ago. I need a vacation from preparing for my vacation. Yes, I am aware that you're all cursing me out right now "who cares you selfish wench! You still get to go someplace warm without your kids for an entire week!" And you're right. Adios amigos.

30

I love being 30. Is that weird? I have this ability to not give a shit that I didn't have in my 20s (well, not to the degree it is now). It's so liberating.

Body Drama

So now after reading my last post you might be thinking I'm slightly hypocritical. I mean, here I blog about hating my belly and being unhappy with my boobs, but then I turn around and blast this magazine that caters to people overly concerned with their appearance. You're right, at least a little bit. Yes, I am concerned about my appearance and I DO want to be pretty. Who doesn't? But I hate the fact that the media feeds our insecurities and paranoia about appearance and aging. I don't think it's healthy to be that obsessive. I hate it that I have to remind myself that it's okay for me to have a belly - I had two kids! But everywhere I look there's some new magazine celebrating the fact that some celebrity had a baby six weeks ago and she looks thinner than ever! Woo-hoo for her! Oh, and check out her perky boobs! Ack! I recently checked out a book entitled "Body Drama," which deals with women's issues with their bodies and includes several pictures of naked body parts and entire forms. There was no airbrushing and the models were all sizes. What I realized was this - everyone looks weird naked. Somehow this makes me feel better.

"New Beauty" is "new trash" for my recycling bin

I just read the shittiest magazine ever called "New Beauty." It's all about achieving beauty perfection through uses of expensive products and surgery. They even have an advisory board made up of plastic surgeons, dermatologists, and cosmetic dentists to review their articles for accuracy. Of course there isn't one psychologist in the bunch to stop and say, "hey, it might be a better idea to just learn to love your imperfections rather than drive yourself crazy trying to acheive an 'ideal' that, in the end, won't make you a happier person anyways." Nope, instead they talk about how to defy age by using expensive creams (like a $400 bottle of moisturizer that contains olive oil, don't they know I can just buy olive oil at the grocery store for a whole lot less?). If the creams don't work there's a nice big article on the latest botox breakthroughs. And if you're not convinced to try some of these things then they also list what celebrities use which products, so we can all try to look like the airbrushed fake beauties we see on TV. I particularly enjoyed the article that discussed celebrity noses. They used pictures of their profiles to say whether or not they had a nice nose or if they could use surgery to perfect their hideousness, because nobody wants to look at a face that isn't as symmetrical as a computer programmed face. How horrible to have any character! Bring on the cyborgs! Please, I can't stand all this ugliness in the world - wrinkles, fat, age spots, acne, a bump on the nose, static not-so-shiny hair!? Make it go away! It's so offensive to the eyes, how do we even stand to look at each other?! If only we could all live in Hollywood where people spend thousands of dollars to all look pretty and alike, where everyone is so obviously happy because they are beautiful, then maybe the world would be a better place - peace would reign in the Middle East, there would be no famine or poverty, and everyone could hold hands and sing in the spirit of physical perfection. Thank you "New Beauty" for opening people's eyes to all their flaws and supporting their paranoia - with your continueing efforts I'm sure more and more people will succumb and go to ridiculous efforts to be beautifully ageless.

Attack of the Mom Swimsuits

Just like there are Mom Jeans there is also the Mom Swimsuit. You know the type - all you have to do is open a Lands End catalog and there are a variety of shapes and colors to choose from (which I don't understand because doesn't everybody just order black anyways?). You can even type in your body shape and they'll immediately take you to the miracle suit that will camouflage your particular "trouble area." I myself wore a mom suit last summer - a nice boring navy tankini that hid my belly and whose bottoms came up to my bellybutton, not to mention it did absolutely nothing for my boobs (those "soft cups" are worthless, haven't they figured out that moms have saggy boobs and need a little more push-up!). But I didn't care too much - after all I had just had a baby (6 months prior) and at that point was just looking to hide the hideousness of my body in as much fabric as possible (difficult to do in spandex). But I was at a waterpark recently and I couldn't help but notice that there were lots of really cute moms with great bodies who were trying to do the same thing - cover up and blend in. I understand that we can't all be running around in racy swimwear. I mean, you're at the pool with little kids and you have to chase them around so we can't have body parts popping out when they need to stay tucked in. But honestly, the skinny mom with the great legs - you don't need to be wearing a swim skirt! Or the mom with the hourglass curves - you don't need to be wearing that blah brown tankini! How about some color or polka-dots! Maybe a smaller bottom that doesn't make it seem like you're wearing a diaper? Is there some rule that says if you're a mom you have to start dressing like it and are no longer allowed to be sexy? I don't think so! But then again, I'm kind of a skank.

Go ahead, google me. I don't give a shit.

One of my friends googled herself (a subject that I have posted about before). Anyways, she found some morbid death thing about a girl with her name and we were saying that was creepy, blah blah blah. When asked why she was googling herself in the first place she said she had read an article about how employers are looking people up online to find out more about them and if they have behaved inappropriately, like in blogs, etc. I had several feelings about this idea. At first I was immediately defensive, thinking "so what, does this mean that I shouldn't blog because someone might see it and decide that I was too offensive and any future career hopes would be dashed because socially I like to be a foul-mouthed bitch?! Well F-you future conservative prick employers! I don't want to work for you anyways!" Then the rational side of my brain kicked in (the part that isn't led by my temper) and I realized I was getting defensive over nothing because 1) I don't have any future career goals and 2) cursing and talking about pubic hair in blogs isn't really inappropriate when compared to being the star in a BDSM webcam site (which I am NOT).

The conquering hero returns with good news...and great underpants.

I have an update in reference to my post regarding cellulite. As some of you may know I have been on the hunt for panties (I used to hate that word but now I find it much more feminine than "underwear") that don't cling to my butt like a net holding in two basketballs OR ride up in back. It's more difficult than it sounds. Yes, I once again tried the thong. I know everybody says to give it a few days but after one day I couldn't make myself do it again. That entire day was spent focused on my underwear and the effort not to pick it out of my ass. For example, I'm grocery shopping but I can't concentrate on what I need because all I can think about is my damn wedgie, or I have to bend down to pick up the kids and once again - really tight wedgie. What was that? What did you say? I didn't hear you because I'm having a problem with this thong stuck up my butt! You get the picture. So I've tried out several types of undies, mostly from VSecret. All the ones that didn't have the elastic edging (forming the giant net that holds my giant butt) ended up creeping to places they shouldn't be going. They were cute on so I decided they'd be okay for a night in with TGD (he was pleased with this decision), but I wouldn't want to wear them every day (see the thong preoccupation examples above). However I finally found a pair that might work! They are called (drumroll please) TC Edge "No ride, No Lines" panties. I have them in bikini and I tell you what ladies - I really like them. Not only do I think that they are more flattering than my cotton briefs (with their bunchy fabric and cellulite causing elastic) but they really don't ride up. Okay, you might have to pick a couple of times but they're pretty darn good for not having tight elastic edging. Anyways, just thought I'd pass on my findings for anyone who is interested, or maybe I'm the only one obsessed with undies and how my butt looks in them...I'm pretty sure that's more likely the case.