Beer good

I've recently re-discovered the joys of getting drunk. Okay, not fall down on my butt, "talking on the big white phone" drunk, more of a giggly, "everything is great" drunk. Maybe tipsy is a better word, but it's a dumb girly word and I don't want to use it. I haven't been a "drinker" in a long time, what with all the baby making and being the DD for my husband (who likes his beer). Plus I sort of overdid it my freshman year of college - you know, that first semester away from the 'rents, going crazy drinking the nasty mixes only college kids will drink, whoreshly locking lips with many college guys (maybe that was only me but I'm sure there's some other kissing sluts out there). Anyways, it's taken me a long long time to not shudder at the thought of alcohol (hence the current enjoyment of such beverages). However, I have noticed that I get the embarassing "second thoughts" the day after having a couple drinks. You know, the "crap, was everything I said hysterically funny or was I just being loud and obnoxious?!" In my befuddled alcoholic haze I think I'm pretty witty and tend to get the giggles, and I'm pretty sure my speaking voice goes up a few decibels (for some reason when I drink I think people can't hear me very well so I tend to shout like I'm talking to my Grandpa), but I'm drunk so everything is great. It's only the next day (sober and usually not hungover) that I think "shit, I was a total asshat." But I guess that's part of the fun of having a few drinks - I can act like a dork and chalk it up to being drunk, a perfectly reasonable excuse for poor behavior.

Screen name scrabble

I signed in tonight thinking I was just going to make a quick post but then, as in so many other nights, I found myself afloat in the vast sea of Bloggerland. There are some really cool ones out there (they make mine look like a big steaming pile of crap) - such as the To Do List, which I guess is now a book. The featured list tonight was of "awesome screen names," my favorite of which was "gun-slingin' pimp." Now why didn't I think of that?! There were also a few that were in a box because they weren't cool - "Eskimo Man" and "Bread Boy" were in the box. I dunno, I think "bread boy" is pretty frickin hilarious. Makes me think of a little superhero..."I am Bread Boy, here to satisfy any carb craving you may have!"

Fakey Fakerson I am not!

TGD keeps laughing at my picture because he says it's too serious, which, I know, it doesn't really fit this blog. But honestly, what was I supposed to do? Stick out my tongue? Cross my eyes? Wrap my fingers under my chin and make an eye mask using my thumbs and index fingers? I can't help it that my "natural resting face" is serious and slightly bitchy looking! Nobody walks around smiling all the time unless they're high on something (and if you just thought "yeah, high on life!" then you need to go out and sing "do re mi" with the woodland creatures before I deck you).

Wanna know something that does make me smile? Front butt. Not the actual occurance (that's really more sad and depressing, although I can make front butt by squeezing all my stomach fat together into two folds) but the name - front butt. I need to find more ways to work it into everyday conversation.

The strange activities of people trapped in a small town

So a little birdy (non-suicidal) told me that apparently my trampoline (yes, we have one and I'm aware of the dangers, so just keep your condescending gasps of horror to yourselves) has been used for things other than the innocent jumping activities of my 4 year old (and by "things" I mean SEX). Got your attention there didn't I? You were just going to skim through this post and that word in capital letters just drew your eye like a lazor beam. Sex Sex Sex. It's a very powerful word. But I digress...Yes, somebody (two somebodies actually) did the nasty on my tramp! Can I get a big "eeeeeeeeeeewww" from the studio audience please?! When I first heard this I was outraged! "How dare they! People have no respect for other people's property, my kids jump on that thing, that's just disgusting, etc!" No, I didn't actually exclaim "etcetera!" (but I think I will from now on because it sounds kind of funny). Then I started to wonder, if I was younger would I have had the same reaction, because honestly I was sounding a little curmudgeonly and that was scaring me. So I went to some friends to see how they reacted, and after the initial "gross!" they thought it was funny. Of course, maybe if it was them having to disinfect they're own trampoline they might not have found it so humorous. I decided that I'm not going to say anything to the perps (or a better word might be "pervs"), but I do think some motion lights are in order...

Photoshop can kiss my ass

Hey look! It's a picture of me! I took a picture of myself - which involved learning the timer on my camera and lots of height configurations (oops, it's a picture of my boobs, and here's a picture of just my forehead). I also discovered that my face looks really round and fat when I smile (it's the "triple chin" effect). So after many BAD pictures (which nobody will ever see because I immediately deleted them) I decided to post this one, which I was going to call "a study in introspection" or "bird suicide watch" (they like to off themselves by running into my picture window). So, here I am....looking all serious....because, you know, this is such a serious blog and I am a no-nonsense type of gal. None of that frivolity here folks.

And yes, I realize there's a big white strip off to the side that I need to crop off but I can't figure out how to do it! Damn Photoshop with it's too hard crop tool! I hate you Photoshop!

age cometh, and you can smell her a mile away

My mom has always said that when she gets old we have to tell her when she starts to stink and needs to take a bath, because apparently your sense of smell deteriorates as you age and she's paranoid about smelling bad. I think it's very wise and accepting of her. I plan to pass on the same order to my own kids (hoping that I live long enough to start getting stinky).

I watched the Oprah show today (yes, I'm a SAHM and I watch Oprah, might as well pass me the bonbons to complete the image) and it was about dressing age-appropriate and how to do it with style. I'm a sucker for a makeover show (and I especially love how they give the "low-end option" - you know, "this jacket is only $300 instead of $3000, isn't that a great deal?!"). I turned 30 this year (which is either really young or really old depending on who you are) so I've become a little more "age-conscious." I didn't think I would. I felt like I was 30 during my later 20's (having kids and the belly and boobs to prove it will do that), so I didn't think turning 30 would be a big deal. But here I am, starting to notice the stray grey hair (thanks Dad!), examining my face in the mirror for more lines, and hoping that I can dress "age-appropriate with style" when I'm 60. I really don't want to get caught up in worrying about the future so I'm trying to resist the occasional paranoia that wants to set in (I need the age-defying eye cream RIGHT NOW!). I think my mom's approach is much better. I'll be fine with grey hair, I'll be fine with wrinkles, I'll be fine with elastic waist pants (I'm actually looking forward to those) - that's all inevitable. I just don't want to be stinky.