Signs I am getting old

I don't get boys wearing their pants so low half their butt hangs out. How is that supposed to be attractive to girls? Mostly I start to think in terms of gravity "how in the heck do they not fall down?" And boxer shorts aren't cute, they're usually kinda wrinkly and smelly. Is it a status symbol that I don't get? I thought showing your boxers went out of style when Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch broke up. I wonder if this is how parents of the '50s felt when bell-bottom pants and leisure suits came out.

Speaking of bell-bottoms, the shaggy hair is also annoying me. Didn't these kids see pictures of their parents from the '70s and think "that looks ridiculous?" I'll admit, on some guys longer hair looks good, but if you've got any wave or curl it's gonna turn into an afro and the only one pulling that off these days is Carrot Top - and that's only because it's part of his image.

Can I please go dancing someplace in Iowa that does NOT just play thug music? I mean really, we live in IOWA for crying out loud. I'll admit, some of it has a decent beat but it's all the same misogynistic crap. There is other music out there! Can we have some variety? Maybe it's just me because there are certainly enough girls on the dance floor shaking their junk to all the crap being played.

For the record I HATE the song "Crazy Bitch."

From nubile college co-ed to Daddy's little girl: one father's epiphany

So my sister and bro-in-law came over last night to visit and we were watching some comedian on the comedy channel (can't remember his name but he was good and no, he wasn't part of the red-neck comedy tour). Anyways, every single commercial break consisted of promos for "Girls Gone Wild" videos. Now I hate those dumb things mostly because I don't like to see women degrading themselves for some cheap, pervy old men (I mean, if they're gonna do something like that at least go professional and get paid for it) and the fact that they consist of young stupid college girls who are too egocentric to realize what they're doing and how they'll probably regret it in the near future. I think if you're gonna get drunk and flash your boobs at least have the common sense to NOT do it on film so some stranger can make millions of copies and sell it. But I'm off topic - so we're watching this commercial (I was patiently waiting for TGD to turn the channel but he was taking his time) and we were commenting about the whole "Girls Gone Wild" phenomena and my bro-in-law says they should call it "A Father's Worst Nightmare." TGD, being a father of two daughters, then immediately changes the channel (finally!) and I said to him, "you're never going to be able to watch that commercial again, are you." He said, "nope."
Sure enough, the rest of the evening anytime that commercial came on the channel was quickly changed, with no prompting from me.

Mama bear said "Someone's been crapping in my yard!"

Okay, what's the deal with all the dogs running around and crapping in my yard?! It's pissing me off. Everytime I take the kids out to play (yes, I do actually interact with my children on occasion) I notice that there is more poo that could not possibly all come from my dog (a small terrier doesn't produce giant doody). It's gotten to the point that I want to install some spy cameras around the house to figure out whose dog is the mystery shitter, if only so I can pick up the poop and leave a big steaming pile of it on the offensive pet owner's lawn. A friend suggested that I pull a Jim Carrey and just take a giant dookey on their lawn myself (Me, Myself, and Irene style). Not to worry all you people still reading this blog who don't "get it." That was a joke.

It's called sarcasm. I enjoy it.

Here's a way to determine if you are the type of person who should be reading this blog: Go rent "Juno" and if you don't think it is extremely funny and well-written than this blog is NOT for you. Stick with watching "monkey sex" on YouTube.

We agree that as a race they're rather stu-pid.

Is anybody else singing the song from "Mary Poppins" after reading the last post?

Cast off the shackels of yesterday!
Shoulder to shoulder into the fray!
Our daughter's daughter will adore us,
And they'll sing in grateful chorus...
Well Done,
Sister Suffragette!

Well if you weren't before, you're singing it now (unless you don't know this song, in which case you need to watch Mary Poppins asap because you obviously didn't get to see it enough in your childhood in order to memorize all the songs).

Not a "yes dear" kind of gal

I told TGD the other day that I think I was either a suffragette or a 60s bra burner in a former life. Why else would I have such a strong feminist mindset? My mom and Grandma were both fairly strong-willed women so maybe some of it is inherited. They both stayed home with the kids (although both also worked at times before and after having kids) and both did the majority of the cooking and cleaning ("women's work") around the house, well, when not using their kids for child labor (just kidding, we got an allowance for chores so it was a fair deal). But they still managed to not be "yes dear" types of women. They were in charge. It also helped that my Dad loves babies so he was usually willing to watch us kids (which was fun for us because it meant we got to have dinner out). Looking back through some of my posts I realize I come off as kind of a ball-buster, but the truth is I kind of AM a ball-buster. I don't think that just because my husband earns the income I should be in charge of everything else. I stay home to take care of my kids because I want to be in charge of their day to day activities, not because I love cooking and cleaning. Why that seems to become part of my job description is puzzling to me. It's not like I have a lot of time during my day with the kids to clean the house, do laundry, and cook meals. I'm usually busy taking kids places, keeping them entertained, maintaining sibling harmony, feeding them, etc. So I really don't get those women who take up that mantle of "housewife" and don't have a problem with it. A lot of women I've talked to will say it's because their husbands don't know how to do anything (which is true) so they just do it themselves. I think that is a total cop out! I think men KNOW this about their wives and use it to their advantage. But what really burns my butter is hearing about the husband that's never home, never helps out with the kids, etc. I'm thinking to myself, "okay, so do something about it." But the thing is (and my sister has to keep reminding me of this), is that some women are generally okay with that situation. WHAT?! I'm so puzzled by this behavior, but I see it all the time. So it makes me wonder, am I so different from everybody? Honestly I've always been that way with guys - in fact I think if one inquired a lot of boys from my graduating class would have said I was a bitch. Which if by "bitch" they meant someone who wouldn't take their teasing bullshit or be talked down to like I was some stupid ho then I gladly accept the title. Maybe that's why I don't ever get hit on the rare times I go out. I have a "don't even try it" vibe that clings to me, a general mistrust of male intentions. It's just who I am.

Singing the man's blues

Well that last post seemed to strike a nerve (or several). Now it's time to bitch some more - this time about how husbands are lucky and they don't even know it. I think most men would say (to other guys) that once they get married their sex life becomes non-existent or close to it. This bugs me because when compared to a single man's sex life I think our spouses have it pretty good. The problem is we got married when we were still humping like bunnies so the men automatically assumed that it would always be that way. Like they were actually going to marry "that" girl who likes to have sex all the time (an urban myth in my opinion). So of course once the hormones start to settle and the kids start to pop out they act so surprised, so deceived because we suddenly don't want to have sex all the time. Now they have to SETTLE for once a week or every couple weeks like some poor sap, totally dependent on their wife's wishes. Meanwhile all the single guys out there are having sex all the time - with lots of different women. It's so unfair! Yeah, that's a bunch of bs. Studies have shown that married men regularly have more sex than their single counterparts. Think about it. If your guy was single, would he be out there every weekend picking up a new chick and sealing the deal? And how long do most dating relationships last - 6 months? Do you really think that people who are dating are having sex all the time...at our age? Not likely. Sure, maybe in the beginning, but we know that only lasts so long. So the next time your husband pulls the old guilt routine and acts like he doesn't know how he's going so survive an ENTIRE WEEK without sex (oh the horror!) you remind him that he's actually the lucky one. If that doesn't work there's always 'ol reliable - aka the handjob (and feel free to tell him he can use his own hand).

The Cleavers weren't so weird after all.

Hear ye, hear ye (is it hear or here?). Attention all wives/significant others of GrabbyHand Husbands: this post is for you! In talking with some friends we have discovered a universal problem when it comes to our marital relations - the Wordless Wandering Appendage. It happens late at night. We're tired, ready to hit the sack and grab that illusive thing called sleep. We just lay our head down and start to drift off when (dun dun dun) we feel that creeping hand start to slide over to our side of the bed (unless you're one of those weird couples who actually snuggle when they go to bed, to which I ask "how do you sleep like that?"). It starts off with a little arm rub, then it takes a slow journey down to the hip area (or upwards if your guy is a boob man). Yes, it's the universal man signal for "I want to have sex." Now, if you're like most women I've talked with you'll have some sort of defensive position - maybe curled up in the fetal position, or what my friend calls "chicken arms," when she lays on her stomach with her elbows out like chicken wings to protect the boob area. So we might continue this silent battle of wills with body language - we take our defensive positions, he goes on the offensive and tries touching a new area, we roll over and feign sleep, he decides to throw for a touchdown and heads straight for the endzone (yes, I'm talking about p-town, aka Vaggyville), we decide to either call foul or give him the points. Does anybody else hate this game?! I think most women would agree that what we would prefer is just a straight out "Do you want to have sex?" Let's just put it out there so we can figure it out and I can get some freaking sleep. I know, most men might think that's not very romantic and don't women want romance? Well, I say no. We've been together too damn long. I really just want some sleep. Now, there are those occasions that you go out together and have a good time, feeling sexy, so you decide to go home and get ur freak on - a joint decision. I'm not talking about those nights so don't go feeling sorry for my husband for having such a cold fish wife (small town gossipmongers, I'm referring to you). I'm talking about the other times, and unless you're a nympho you know what I'm talking about. Here's what I think we'd prefer to hear:

Husband: Hey, I'd really like to have sex later tonight. Is there anything I can do to help put you in the mood or is tonight just not going to work?

That's it. Fairly simple. And something else fellas - timing is important. Don't be asking me that when you can tell I'm already pissed off about something, I don't feel good, I had a really busy day and you KNOW I'm exhausted, or if I've got kids clinging to me and I'm trying to cook dinner while you're sitting your lazy ass on the couch watching the news. You know what the answer is going to be if you ask during those times. Also, don't ask at midnight. Give us a little time to get our heads in the game (we don't have that little one that's always ready to go).

I'm not sure that this will ever happen. Maybe that's why June and Ward Cleaver slept in seperate beds. June finally got fed up with GrabbyHands. I bet she slept awesome.