Another episode of "Em's various rants," brought to you by Tampax.

Apparently I can no longer do jumping jacks without peeing my pants. I discovered this new development in aerobics class today. No matter how hard I squeezed those kegels the pee still dripped out. I found the only thing that helped was not breathing, which is actually quite difficult when executing a series of jumping jacks. I'm scared to think of what it will be like in another 10 years. My kids will all be getting out of diapers and I'll be getting into them. I'm doomed to forever be buying diapers at the grocery store. I'm just hoping at that point it won't be of the "Oops I crapped my pants" variety.

I wish I were one of those people who hated chocolate and never ordered dessert. You know the type (I've referred to them often as "skinny bitches"). And yeah, I'm by no means really heavy but I have to bust my ASS to be a size 8/10 and I constantly crave sweets. It would be so easy to just be home, watching TV, tra la la, not thinking about food or wanting anything, do dee do. Instead I'm here thinking "I want chocolate, I want chocolate, I want chocolate, time to get the kids to bed, mmm bake some cookies, check my email, wonder if I have any cake mix in the pantry, this show is dumb, dammit I can't stand it!" Which is when I break down and get out the ol' reliable chocolate chips and peanut butter.


Okay, people doing meth - do they not realize that everyone can tell because they have meth mouth? It's so obvious! Dude, you're 30 and half your teeth are gone. Now, unless you are some native american living in the Amazon jungle and have no access to dental care I'm going to assume that it's not caused by natural means. And most of the time even those guys have better teeth than the idiots doing meth.

And to conclude this evening's episode of "Em's various rants" can I just say that it's great when people give you compliments on your appearance. However, my neurotic mind goes "wait a minute, what the heck did you think I looked like before? A hideous whale with bad hair?" I had one gal tell me at a party the other day (I don't see this person often, maybe a couple times a year) "You look good, like seriously, the best I've ever seen you. I've never seen you look this good. You're face is really thin." So taking that at face value it's a very nice compliment (and yes, I did thank her, I do have some manners). But the more I thought about it the more I thought she was a little too effusive about me never looking this good before. I wanted to say, "Look, I get it. I was a mess, probably should have just thrown a sack over my head just to spare everyone the agony of having to look at my awfulness. Aren't we all so lucky I lost a few pounds so you can all breathe a sigh of relief."