Cover that ass up

Have I blogged about cellulite already? I'm too lazy to go check, so if I did then too bad - I'm doing it again. I was watching Rachel Ray once (literally, one time) and one of the little segments was about cellulite. She had a doctor on who does some goofy treatments and I think wrote a book or something and he said that a couple things you can do to decrease cellulite is to wear panties that don't cling to your butt, thongs, or just go commando. What the hell? Who is this guy? I think it's a conspiracy, possibly concocted by my husband to get me to wear thongs. So of course I fell for it and have been in a panic about how my underwear clings to my butt and is therefore producing cottage cheese on my thighs. I went out and bought various types of non-clinging panties only to find that if they don't have elastic around the bottom they're going to be riding up mine (bottom that is). And I have tried thongs, several times, mostly to please my spouse (see what a good wifey I try to be...occasionally...okay, only for special occasions like holidays and birthdays and such), but I can't get over the feeling that everytime I sit down I have a major tight wedgie that is dying to be picked out. Plus, I don't think my ass is in any way attractive in a thong. It's all just hanging out back there - a big pale moon. And let's just say that my skin complexion isn't exactly clear either, and when I walk all I can think of is the residual ass-jiggle that seems magnified by the fact that it is not confined by fabric and elastic. How is that possibly sexy? As for that last option of going commando I've only got one word to say - pubes. Zippers and short-n-curlies do not belong near each other, not to mention the just general ickiness that goes on "down there." So, I guess I'll just be unattractive in my cotton bikini briefs, complete with panty lines and cellulite.